20 Lessons I’ve Learned From Lifetime Movies

Oh Lifetime Movie Network, how many vital reasons are there for your existence? Countless, in my opinion. The most important, though, is that you have taught me many a life lesson where my parents, school and society have failed. You fill in the holes where I and other women need information. Never would I have suspected that I was not my parents’ child, that the sudden disappearance of my best friend was suspicious or that a high school friend may be planning to steal my unborn baby if it was not for you. Your practical and plausible stories are timeless parables that teach women the important lessons of life.

20.) Any guy that is nice and/or telling jokes is automatically suspect of any crime just committed or has a dark past. He’s just too happy.

In every single Lifetime movie, the culprit of any crime or wrongdoing is the person you least suspect….and a man. So, who would you suspect less than the very nice guy just trying to help you with what you’re doing? That’s right, him. In reality, he is using his time with you to cover his tracks. No guy is ever just nice. Thanks for the alert, Lifetime.

19.) Step parents, surrogate mothers and nannies always have an ulterior motive.

Any movie involving a step parent, surrogate mother or nanny has never ended well. It usually ends in a kidnapping and/or ransom and always in complete uncertainty of who the true mother and father are. Basically, it devolves {if that is possible} into ‘Days of Our Lives’ with the moral being ‘this could happen to anyone’. So if you have ever wondered if you were adopted, then you are probably onto something.

18.) High school is just one big, raunchy burlesque house and no one is good in any way.

Every movie about high school always centers on the dangers of it. Every girl is basically a prostitute who hates all of her ‘friends’ {and herself} while every adult believes that she is a golden child. Every guy is numbed to their life and surroundings and just waits for girls to approach them offering sex in hopes of being popular. No one has any brains or morals and if you try to hold either trait, the aforementioned kids will systematically try to destroy your life. Don’t worry though, because the other outcast kids that literally lurk in the shadows will help  you.

17.) Men are bad. Period.

I think the basis for all for all Lifetime movies is evil of men. They always do something wrong in some way. Most of the time they are the bad guys. In the few movies in which they are not the antagonists, they are just a hinderance to the female protagonist, usually telling her that she is crazy, ignoring her or doing something else completely messed up. There are a few instances in which men do help women, but if there is, there’s also at least one other man impeding her efforts. So, just steer clear of men. Nothing good comes from them. At the very most, they can only help women, but other women can do that, too. So, women really have no need of men. Lifetime knows it all.

16.) Women are smarter, stronger and more trustworthy than men.

As you can see from #17, there is no real need or use for men, because there is nothing men can do that women cannot. Due to the fact that men are just bad, they can never equal to women in any capacity, especially in terms of character. You can never trust a man and he is too blinded by his inherent evilness to think intelligently or with any fortitude. Women have to rely on themselves for that. Men are basically helpless without women.

15.) Basically everyone you know has a dark past or at least one deep, dark secret from which they are running.

If you think people are capable of leading relatively innocent, honest and quiet lives, you better think again. No one can simply spend their life in a small town without becoming guilty of least one unspeakable secret. As for those who have not lived in only one location, they are probably running from something. You better presume these people {actually, better make that all people in general} are guilty of something. To err on the side of caution, you should be very suspicious……especially if you are dealing with a man.

14.) At any given time in your life, there is at least one person plotting to destroy you.

Evidently, jealously is the most abundant emotion in people, and the downfall of women, because it is usually another woman that wants to destroy your life. After all, men are too stupid to be jealous of you. This also ties into why you should always be suspicious of people. It is little more tricky when you have to be on the lookout among your own kind, women. So, if you have found one of the decent men comprising 0.5% of the male population, have children and an adequate job, you best be on the lookout for a new women attempting to befriend you as well as existing friends acting weird. Either of those situations adds up to your life ending in ruination.

13.) Ghosts do exist – and usually have been wronged by a man.

Fundamental components of Lifetime movies are bitterness and the ability to never forget. Apparently this bitterness continues until wrongs have been righted, even if that means after death. Since men are bad and responsible for most of the evil in the world, they undoubtedly have caused most of this bitterness and women will not forget it and definitely will not rest until these horrible acts have been amended. Also since most men are only capable of bad things, there is one long laundry list of  angry women and even more dead that await reparations. And, according to Liftetime, they are NOT going to leave you alone.

12.) Your life can be turned upside down in a matter of 30 minutes or less.

The same timeline appears in every movie. Everything starts out hunky dory, then BAM, one thing happens and everything the woman believed is a lie and her life will never be the same. Of course, 45-60 minutes later the problem is solved, but according to Lifetime, insane events happen quickly to all normal people and every crazy thing can happen to everyone. In a snap, you can find out that your parents are not actually your parents and the guy pretending to be your best friend is actually your demented half-brother wanting to use you as bate to find your real parents, because they are hiding from him. Oh, and he’s in love with you {actual plot of a Lifetime movie}. It can happen just like that. The lesson of the story is that you should not get attached to your life, because you are really the only thing you know is true.

11.) Do not believe that your parents are your parents until they prove it.

Going along with #12, how can you ever really know that your parents are parents? Having your mom’s eyes or your dad’s hair means nothing. Baby photos and birth certificates mean nothing either. DNA tests are truly the only way to tell. You need to have this done once in your life to make sure that you were not actually kidnapped as a pawn in the feud between these people and your birth parents. You just cannot trust anyone…..especially that male possibly masquerading as your father.

10.) The only thing worse than a man is a rich, manipulative woman.

Being worse than a man is hard, but some women manage to be. These are usually the girls from high school mentioned in #18 that have only gotten worse with age. Obviously, you should be wary of rich and manipulative people, but you should be about 10 times more wary when that rich person is a woman.

9.) Being psychic is quite common – and they are always right.

Apparently, there is an abundance of people walking around with knowledge regarding what has happened or what will happen to anyone they touch. These X-Men-like creatures keep these talents quiet, because this is also a dark secret. So, at any given moment, you really have at least one person near you that can peer into your life. Go to your happy place.

8.) Cops never want to help and are actually more harmful than helpful in any situation.

In every situation where someone is overjoyed when the police have arrived to ‘help’, the cops are either useless or make the situation worse. Conversations usually go like this: “Officer, I saw a hand banging on the window in the basement twice. There is someone down there!” “Lady, you are sleep-deprived and bored and we have to take into account you’re a woman, which automatically makes you delusional. You’re seeing things that aren’t there. Now, we’re going to go back to cruising around. We’ll be back in an hour when you’re running around holding a knife, bleeding and finally have some evidence.” Basically, if you think the police are there to help, think again. If they are there about a situation in which you are involved, you will be blamed. The cops are just are just plain bad. Also, they are mostly men, too. Coincidence? I think not.

7.) The law is useless.

There is always a way to have your children taken away without any proof, but it is almost impossible to convict any man of a sexual crime. The law never works for the good guy and is always twisted by bad guy to favor him. Lifetime movies prove that laws are unjust and we actually live in a country saturated with tyrannical rule.

6.) The only people with impeccable integrity are young mothers and outcast students.

Anyone who is popular or highly esteemed has committed some awful deeds to earn that position and they are willing to do anything to keep that status. The only people capable of any good are those in the mostly lowly positions, such as single, poor mothers and ignored high school kids. Evidently, the isolation makes them good and they are only people you can trust.

5.) Underage drinking WILL lead to kidnapping, rape and/or death.

In every instance where someone under the age of 21 drinks, a horrible atrocity follows. Girls are kidnapped, and possibly raped, then killed. Car accidents, affairs and gang beatings may also occur. Basically, hell breaks loose when someone under 21 drinks. When someone over 21 does though, nothing out of the ordinary happens. So, instead of showing that drinking is actually an unsatisfying way to have fun/numb yourself, which leads to lax morals, judgment and  and an overall downgrade of life, from which nothing good comes, Lifetime goes with the other route of scaring kids into believing that if you drink, you will probably deal with the decision of kill or be killed.

4.) You are smarter than everyone you know and no one else understands.

There is not one single Lifetime movie where the main character has a single person sticking with them throughout the entirety of the movie. At at least one point, each protagonist must stand against their friends, parents, husband, sister and of course, the law to prove something right, which is obvious to the viewers, but not to anyone in the movie. Lifetime teaches you to prepare for this, because you WILL have to prove a murder or that your child is really yours at some point while everyone you know is lined up against you. Again, you see that you are all alone, the world is against you and you can only count on yourself. Your only chance at finding understanding is by finding some fellow outcasts.

3.) If you have 1000 pieces of evidence to prove something, no one will believe you still.

Going along with #4, no matter what you say, you will never be believed. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard “Officer! Something horrible happened to my best friend, Mary! I haven’t seen her is 2 weeks and ‘HELP’ is written in blood on her walls!” “She’s fine. If there was something wrong, it would have been reported. Lady, you can’t come to the police every time you guys have a cat fight.” Also, if you have video of your best friend’s husband cheating on her, you might as well burn it, because she will never believe you and might accuse you of trying to get him all to yourself by tricking her into divorcing him. When you are certain that a relationship is obsessive and can prove it, then you will called a bitter person who hates relationships. Let it be a lesson that helping may actually hurt you and no matter what no one will believe what you can prove.

2.) Your paranoias are founded and are actually just healthy cautions.

Are you afraid of the random person you knew from high school that just moved into your neighborhood though you now live in another state? Or, do you not instinctually believe a woman when she tells she’s pregnant? Good! That just mean mean that you are using common sense. Lifetime movies teach that anything and everything can be a lie. If the soccer coach is keeping your daughter late at practice, do not believe that it was for the good of the team. There is probably a statutory relationship going on. So, be wary of the cable guy, even when you schedule his visit and the mailman, because he sees all of your mail. And, when you go to the doctor, be careful what he is ‘checking out’. There are people lurking all around you with deep, dark plans to hurt you in ways of which you never thought.

1.) Every actor has been desperate enough to be in a Lifetime movie at one point in their career.

It is no secret that Lifetime is not the highest quality of entertainment. This list may give some hints as to why. Nonetheless, it has been a starting point or fall back for countless actors from John Stamos to Heather Locklear and many others that you’ve barely heard of or scarcely remember. One of the funniest things (besides the amazing story lines) about Lifetime movies is seeing the scores of actors that show up and the roles that they play. I will never forget watching Fred Savage kill DJ Tanner from Full House or Tiffani Amber Thiessen trying to escape from her abusive husband. Okay, I probably will, but that does not mean it was not entertaining.

Lifetime movies, you have taught me more than any school I have attended has. You are worthy beyond your credit – a teacher whose worth unknown although your height be taken. Please keep new movies coming. I need to know who to suspect next for all the problems in my life. Lifetime, I thank you.

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