As cupid begins his decent for our annual Love Day, I thought it might be a good time to impart a some of my relationship wisdom to all of the ladies who may feel particularly vulnerable this time of year.  Not that I am an expert by any means.  The hubby and I have been together for about 12 years now, and honestly I think that is mostly due to many sacrifices and a whole lot of tongue biting.  But there is one thing I do know when it comes to dating and that is chemistry.

The other day I overheard my husband talking to a girl friend about whether a guy she is seeing is into her or not.  It reminded me what it can be like to be single or single-ish, especially when nearing February.  Even when you are okay with it, or gasp! happy about it, this season seems to give everyone around you free reign to make you feel empty and inadequate.  If I could coin one golden rule of dating advice for women it would be this: Don’t. Settle.  If you have been on three or more dates with a guy and you are asking whether or not he is into you, I can say without any further details that he really isn’t.

Men are conquerors.  They get something in their head and won’t stop until it is accomplished or all avenues to it have been exhausted.  So when you are dating a guy who is into you, for the first few months he will be like an excited little puppy dog.  If he’s not, then he is most likely just looking to pass the time with you.  Every successful couple I know started out with the man in hot pursuit.  When we first started seeing each other, I am fairly certain my husband would have given me a kidney to secure a second date.  {Now I can’t even get him to skip Wednesday night basketball…}  That is not to say that you can’t be forward or ask a guy out.  But once you have spent a little time together, his intentions should be evident.

It doesn’t matter how amazing you are, some people just don’t click.  I know many funny, beautiful and successful women who just haven’t found anyone to click with yet.  But I have no doubt that they will.  And what a shame it would be for them to get stuck with or waste their emotions on a guy who thinks that they are anything but precious.

And Ladies…until Mr. Click comes along; enjoy your clean bathroom, the ability to make unilateral decisions and the right to sit around in your pajamas on Saturday ;)  Soon they will all be gone.

A Little Advice for All the Single Ladies

It took me 3 pregnancies and many years to accept my body as a mother.  I was a size 6 before my babies and was not prepared to be a size 12 after I had my first son.  My self-esteem was trampled.  I was used to wearing what I wanted and getting a fair amount of attention from the opposite sex.  Now, I felt like a sideshow.  I was sure that people would whisper and stare.  I wouldn’t go out in public without my son because I wanted everyone to know I looked like this because I had just had a baby.  Umm dramatic, much?  Obviously size 12 is not freak show status, but to a girl who was entrenched in the superficial LA lifestyle—it.was.devastating.  I had watched my belly grow for 9 months, and expected to see it disappear once the baby who was in there inflating it had come out to meet us.  All of you moms out there, stop laughing.

I was too young(22) to realize that society didn’t know everything.  That the billboards all over Beverly Hills don’t depict real life.  That success is not measured by a scale.  And that relationships with people who judge you on your looks aren’t worth the trouble.  So I lost the weight, fast.  I spent mealtimes nitpicking and naptimes doing cardio.

After a year and a half of dedication, I was rockin my pre-baby jeans.  But don’t you know as soon as I zipped those Sevens up—I was pregnant again.  I went through a similar scenario after baby number two.  I had slightly more realistic expectations, but just as much determination to be ‘skinny’ again.  I hit my goal weight after my second, and then, that’s right—pregnant again.

It wasn’t until my third pregnancy that I realized how silly the whole thing was.  Why was I killing myself to fit into jeans that were now almost 10 years old?  Why did it matter if some random guy in the store thought I was hot or not?  So what if my girlfriends are 2 sizes bigger or smaller than me?  I am me.  I have incredible people all around me who love me just like this.  I can buy new clothes, that are in season even.  I have a husband that loves how I look.  And more importantly,  I like how I look {when I don’t have jeans 2 sizes too small distorting my shape}.  I like the little pouch on my tummy.  It reminds me of carrying my boys in there.  I like the curve of my hip where Avery lays his head when we cuddle.  There are so many little changes that motherhood has brought to my body that I actually like.  They won’t help me get on any magazine covers, but they do carry memories that make me smile.

After that image shattering realization, I have stopped beating myself up for experiencing life.  I have had 3 kids.  Does that mean I am destined to have love handles for the rest of my life? No, but it does mean that weight loss will take a while.  There are priorities that take precedent.  Up until a few weeks ago I was nursing.  And if you’ve ever been a nursing mom, you know that it = almost every diet on the planet being off limits or ‘modified’ for you.  So do I watch what I eat and exercise?  Yes, yes.  Do I still have about 15-20 pounds that I want to lose? Umm, yeah.  But I’m okay with where I am and the journey ahead.  And I now know that losing 20 pounds isn’t going to magically make life perfect, or even much better.  I will have a different wardrobe.  But I will still have the same responsibilities, the same thoughts and ideas, and the same fabulous family and friends.  Believe it or not, you don’t have to look like Kim Kardashian to be happy.  Who knew?

The LONG Road To Body Acceptance

It has been famously said that our kids teach us more than we could ever teach them.  No where in my life has this been truer than in my relationship with God.  The ignorance and childishness that I try to refine in them is eerily congruent to the battles I find myself fighting within my own flesh.  What I love about these life lessons is how simply and gently God points to them as to say, ‘See what he’s doing, that’s exaaactly what you do.’  Many areas of my life have been renewed through hard-knocks.  I was just one of those stubborn people who, unfortunately, had to learn things the hard way.  Fortunately, I have become a better listener and more perceptive to God’s will in life.  So it touches my heart when I see his guidance in my life progress to him using my cherub-faced babies rather than broken relationships or unfulfilling circumstances.  Here are some very basic, but profound, nuggets of wisdom that I have garnered from my years of parenting.

1. Throwing a tantrum will get you no where.  In fact, it will probably make things worse.  When one of my boys pout about not getting their way, I find that I have to take an even harder stance on the situation to teach them that their behavior is not acceptable.  When they are crying and throwing toys in their room because I won’t let them have a third ice cream bar, there is nothing I would rather do than hand them that sweet treat and end the whole saga.  But I can’t, because then they would grow up with no boundaries or self-control.  Likewise, God cannot hand us everything we want to make our lives easier or better.  Sometimes we just have to submit to our circumstances and allow them to take us to where he wants us to be.  Whining and complaining will just make our ‘time-out’ last longer because it proves that we haven’t learned anything yet.
2. You don’t always get to know why.  One of my least favorite phrases in the English language is, ‘Because I said so, that’s why.’  It makes my skin crawl.  So as a new parent, I went to painful efforts to help my kids understand our rules and why we have them.  I quickly learned that there are many subjects on which a 1-7 year just can’t be reasoned with.  So when my then  five-year-old, Aiden, tried to argue with me about why an 11 o’clock bedtime would not affect his school day, I listened and simply told him the answer is ‘no’.  I could have rattled off a dozen different reasons why it was a bad idea, but all of them would have been beyond his comprehension.  So I left it at, “I love you, but I know best.”  I can think of many times in my life where God has symbolically told me “I love you, but I know best.”  And guess what?  It has always turned out that he does.
3. What he does is always in your best interest.  On more than one occasion I have been dubbed the ‘meanest mommy evah’ around here.  Because they can’t have candy for breakfast.  Or because they can’t take their nice toys outside.  Or because I turn the hose off after an hour of water play.  Or because I call it quits on the video games.  Or because they can’t play at the house down the street.  What they don’t know is that I would be happy to let them have candy for breakfast is it wasn’t horrible for them.  And I would gladly let them take their toys where ever they desired if the dirt wouldn’t ruin them.  And I would love to let them play with the hose all day if our water bill wouldn’t put us in the poor house.  And nothing would please me more than to have a virtual video game babysitter if it didn’t cause ADHD.  And I would also love to have free babysitting in the form of a play-date down the street if their mom wasn’t an alcoholic whose judgement I don’t trust.  All of these things my kids don’t get yet, and a few of them I don’t even really want them to.  They are realities that they shouldn’t have to face yet.  But I do want them to know that I am not doing it to be the meanest mommy evah; I am doing it because they are too precious to me to not protect every aspect of their well-being.  It may be frustrating when we don’t get the things or opportunities that seem so perfect or well-deserved, but I have learned that God often has more ideal plans that he is working into our lives instead.
4. He will always provide for you.  My kids can be downright stingy sometimes.  They hoard every little penny or goody they can get their paws on.  And it makes me laugh, because for the next 18 years (and probably beyond that) they really don’t need one dime.  Alpha and I are going to provide them with anything they need and many things they want.  They don’t even have to think about it.  But they get so caught up with the ice cream truck, or the newest toy; that all the sudden nothing matters to them but dollar bills.  Similarly, no matter what our income has been, God has always provided us with all of our needs and many of our wants.  But even still, I can’t begin to count the hours of precious time I have wasted worrying about petty money issues.
5. Nothing brings him more joy than your success.  One of the toughest things about being a parent is that you often have to be Captain Bring Down.  Do your homework.  Eat your veggies.  Brush your teeth.  Be nice to your brother.  Share your stuff.  No one loves and cares for them more than you do, but nobody nags them like you do either.  It’s not fun on either end; however, to reach the desired goal it has to be done.  And after all of the prodding and the time-outs and the yelling, let me tell ya there is no sweeter moment on this earth than when you see one of your kids putting your lessons into action on their own accord.  When I see Aiden go out of his way to make Asa happy, or I see Asa openly sharing his gummy worms with the whole neighborhood; my heart literally feel like it is going to burst with love.  I want to let them have candy for breakfast for the rest of the week—-but I don’t.  I imagine there is a chorus of angels in heaven when God sees us put ourselves aside for the love of others <3.

Five Things My Kids Have Taught Me About God

I’m not trying to be as nasty as this title may sound. What I mean to say is that kids are bratty sometimes. Between my own kids, playdates, volunteering and babysitting; I spend a good amount of time with children.  And from those experiences I have come to realize two things.  1) Kids are cool.  2) Kids are people too, which means they’re human.  Actually they are human in our purest form—without social pretenses, ulterior motives or personal insecurities.  They are propelled by raw emotion and self gratification.  So while they may be all cuddles and  kisses when you’re handing them cookies, when things don’t go their way its a very different story and bratty kids emerge.

Even the most affable kids test their boundaries at some point.  They have to see how much they can get away with.  How loud they can yell before its time-out time.  Or, how long they have to hold out until they get their way.  Disciplining my two year old, Avery, is HARD.  In part, because his face is so kissable <3, but also because he can’t really be reasoned with.  I can’t convey to him how much pulling his brother’s hair hurts.  So rather than explaining it, I just tell him, ‘No’.  And if he persists, I follow up with a 2 minute time out.  When this happens 12 times a day, it is tempting to look at Asa and just tell him, “Avery doesn’t understand, just put on this baseball cap and keep out of reach”.  But that isn’t doing Avery any favors, and it certainly isn’t helping Asa out.

Avery needs to learn that he cannot hurt people.  If I just brush it off, or only deal with it when it gets really bad; I am teaching Avery many bad lessons.  I am teaching him that Asa’s feelings are not important.  I am teaching him that its okay to misbehave if nobody says anything about it.   And I am giving him no reliable pattern.  Kids crave dependability.  Deep down Avery wants to know what the repercussions of his actions are–whether he likes them or not–he wants to know that they are there.  Consistent, loving discipline teaches a child right and wrong, instead of: okay sometimes but not others.

I teach the two-year-olds Sunday School at my church.  It makes me cringe when I speak with parents about their child hitting or bullying other kids, and they proceed to rattle off a list of excuses for him/her.  Years two and three are so critical in a child’s disciplinary development.  Enabling unacceptable behavior now will inevitably lead to a five year old spiraling out of control, and then your job just got a whole lot harder.  Now they have learned how to manipulate and guilt you into having things their way.  Or at the very least, they have honed their temper tantrums to a nearly unbearable level.

I will admit that I was guilty of this with Aiden.  It didn’t get too far out of hand, mostly because my old school hubby wouldn’t let it.  But its so hard with your first one.  You’re so shocked that the little baby you once swaddled is growing up, that it is almost cute when they’re telling you to shut up.  And you can’t really be expected to know how quickly they leap from clueless toddler to opinionated preschooler.  But as hard as it is to be stern with those chubby little cheeks, I have learned that if I wouldn’t let someone else’s kids get away with it then I can’t let mine either.

Keep Bratty From Becoming Unbearable

It has been awhile, but I am back with some more of my silly kids’ quotes.  The delay is mostly due to my scatterbrain/laziness.  One of the boys would say something hilarious.  My husband and I would get a good laugh; thinking, “That was so genius there’s no need to write it down!  It will be etched in our memories forever.”  Then, we would go back to our day, promptly forgetting it all.  And, it’s a shame too because we’ve had some doozies in the last few months.  Not that I remember them, I just remember laughing really hard.  I swear both of the adults in our household have short term memory loss, which is a scary concept since all of our children have memories like elephants, which puts them at a clear advantage.  Anyhow, I’ve finally found a pen again and will continue to write down their gems as they come.  Here are this week’s highlights:

• Asa has me open his fortune cookie and read it. ‘You will soon find the key to your happiness.’  He turns to his big brother and excitedly exclaims, Oooh, the key to my happiness!!
• We found a little stray dog.  I was telling our neighbor that we can’t take anymore dogs in, but I don’t want to call the pound because they might put him down.  Asa chimes in, Yeah and they’ll feed him bad food too.
• Aiden was asking me to take him to see the Lorax.  I’ve been hearing reports about it.  I really want to see it.  He has also been hearing reports about 5-hour energy drinks and and the Instyler hair straightener.
• Asa comes out of his bedroom holding a broken bucket.  Alpha and I ask what happened.  I don’t know, but I did NOT sit in it.
• Our 2-year-old, Avery, has just started talking.  Right now he likes pointing to random things while looking at the nearest person and asking them What’d you do?

Kid Quotes

Okay, okay. So, lately I’ve been putting up my posts late.  I’m really sorry.

But here is this weeks Handmade Thursday.  And again, it’s all Valentinesy!  I decided to make a Valentine’s Day scrapbook page that I may or may not put up for sale on Etsy.  But it was fun to make it anyway.  If I don’t sell it, I’ll just put it in my own scrapbook with a pic of me and lil ol’ Moviestar.  Awwwww……

So, I’m not usually one to only put a place for one picture because I usually have a TON of pictures, but this page for me was more about being creative and making it pretty.  You know what though, you could probably put two cropped pictures or even four squares if you needed to do more than one.

Plus, I didn’t want to go with the traditional Valentine’s red and pink – just a hint of it – so I added a bit of blue and brown. And I’m a huge fan of putting book pages into a scrapbook page.  Normally I wouldn’t strip pages out of a book, but my puppy ripped up a book a few months ago  and I’ve been saving it for such a day as this.

So, there you have it!  Hope you can put one together yourself.  If you have any questions, please shoot me an email through our contact page.  Or check out our Etsy just in case I end up putting it up for sale!

Handmade Thursday’s: Valentine’s Scrapbook Page

Time sure flies when you’re a parent. We get caught up cleaning, and mending, and nurturing. We look forward to ’easier’ times when our kids are sleeping through the night, or weaned, or potty trained. We get so fixated on all of the small nuisances of everyday life that we tend forget how much wonderful these little people bring into our lives. I can still smell the ‘baby’ scent that my seven-year-old had when he came home from the hospital if I try hard enough. It seems like just yesterday I was gently coaxing him to climb up the ladder to the kiddie slide. Now he rides a skateboard and does jumps on his bike.

There is a sense of helplessness that is almost unbearable when the fast forward button seems to be stuck down in the story of your child’s life.  Sometimes when I hear him say something grown up or see him practice a skill that I didn’t even know he had learned, my mind will fast forward to a vision of him graduating high school or getting married and I lose my breath for a second.  I can’t help but think of the embarassing ball of tears that I will be at these events when I realize that our relationship will be reduced to holiday visits and a few phone calls a year.  And when I think of how distant it will feel when he no longer needs me to dry his eyes or calm his fears.

“Kairos” is a trendy word right now.  I feel like I have been hearing it everywhere.  Or perhaps God has just been speaking it into my life lately.  Either way it fits perfectly into this tiny hole that all of this growing up has created in my heart.  The ancient Greeks had two words for time, chronos and kairos.  While chronos refers to chronological time; kairos signifies a time in between, a moment of indeterminate time in which something special happens.  Between chores, commitments, obligations and deadlines; I’d say that we all have enough chronos in our lives.  My resolution for 2012 is to make sure that there is enough kairos in mine.

We can’t keep our kids small forever.  And if we are honest with ourselves, I don’t think that we really want to.  So much of what we put into our kids is in the hopes of what they will become.  The piano lessons, tutoring, football leagues and Sunday school classes are all in an effort to prepare them to be great adults.   The idea of the men my boys will grow up to be.  The achievements they will acccomplish.  The women they will marry.  And the babies they will raise are all moments that I can’t wait to see.  But I also don’t want to miss the smaller moments that are happening all around me.  Which is why I have resolved to scour each day for good in it.  And when I find it, in between the snotty noses and futile arguments, to pause for a moment and mentally whisper, “kairos.”

Yesterday evening my husband left for his weekly basketball game; leaving me with a kitchen to clean, three boys to bathe and put down for bed and a school day to prepare for (complete with lunches to make and a school uniform to iron).  I had gotten 2 of the 3 bathed, when I decided to take my own shower.  My two-year-old followed me into the bathroom and played with his jack-in-the-box while I climbed into the tub.  After a few minutes he started to get antsy and pushed his way past the shower curtain.  It was close to his bedtime, so he was getting a little clingy.  Since he was the only one yet to bathe, I scooped him up and washed him.  As the warm water ran down his back he stared up at me with this adoring look in his eyes, laid his head on my chest and fell asleep.  Kairos.

A Resolution For Kairos

There are some parents that think everybody loves their kids as much as they do.  How could they not? They are so cute!  I understand that perspective, although I have never been under this delusion.  But I never thought that complete strangers hated them, except for like Al-Qaeda maybe.  That was until I read this article in the LA Times a few years ago.  In this article the writer, Amy Alkon, is extremely put off that a mother brought her unruly toddler on an airplane. So much so that she she suggests that if your child may at anytime be loud or throw a tantrum that you should not bring them out into public, or at the very least you should “gas up the old minivan” for travel, until they have outgrown that stage.  Ms. Alkon also thinks that allowing a child to throw a fit in her vicinity is like stealing from her, because you are robbing her of her attention and peace of mind and you are forcing her to pay for your life choices.  I think that it is safe to assume that Amy is a little wrapped up in herself, but is she speaking for the majority?  Lately I have noticed a growing trend of impatience and intolerance towards little ones.  From magazine commentaries refering to them as “crotch droppings” to smug eye rolling in the super market.   So all of this got me thinking, are the self-absorbed minority just getting more vocal, or does the general childless population see my kids as sanity-robbing thugs who cause nothing but misery everywhere they go?

I think that almost every parent on Earth sees the birth of their first child as a game changer.  Your perspective changes, your priorities change and it gives you a new appreciation for the circle of life.  But I think that we can all agree that this is a feeling that you cannot relay to others.  You have to experience it to feel that change.  I can remember seeing a few tantrums in my pre-parenting days.  I used to think “Wow, what a brat.”  Although I don’t ever recall thinking, “How dare that child scream in my presence?”  Now when I see a child throwing a tantrum, two thoughts race through my mind; 1.) I’m glad that’s not my kid (because it easily could be) and 2.) That poor parent.  Raising children is a process.  That is why it take 18 years to get them out of your house.  You have to acclimate them to peacefully coexist with the rest of society.  And that doesn’t come without a little kicking and screaming, especially in the early years.  I am always grateful to the kind stranger—usually a parent or grandparent themselves—that helps distract my child during a tantrum to diffuse the situation.  Or even a sympathetic smile that says, “Hang in there.”  What is not helpful is a room(or plane) full of angry glares.  That only makes an already flustered, and probably pretty embarrassed, mom even more frantic.  And when Mom is on edge, it is pretty unlikely that she is going to be able to get Junior to calm down.  For some reason people like Amy Alkon think that parents should be punished with nastiness when their kids get upset.  Aren’t they already being punished enough by their screaming child?  Sure, I guess we could all spank our children into submission, but that would just raise bitter and rebellious teenagers, which is much more detrimental to society than a crying child.

So, do you have to be a parent to be sympathetic?  Possibly.  It could be like birth where you have to go through it to understand it.  They haven’t seen our children grow and develop from a tiny little baby.  So they don’t understand that the child flailing around on the floor is doing it because they are too young to have developed the reasoning skills necessary to understand why their mom doesn’t want to spend $40 on a toy they are just going to lose all the pieces to by tomorrow.  (A toy that is usually strategically placed to induce such a situation by the way, just sayin…)  And they may not know that the average toddler needs 12 hours of sleep each day.  And maybe that particular toddler did not get their afternoon nap because the boy next door was playing his drums too loudly.  Basically, they don’t understand the enormous amount of factors that are at play in why a baby or toddler does what they do.  And that many of these factors are out of Mom and Dad’s hands.  The whole “It take a village to raise a child” saying became popular for a reason.  So to my childless readers please take all of this into consideration the next time you are annoyed by a small child.  And if nothing else I said appeals to you remember this consoling thought, at least you don’t have to take that screaming kid home with you.

Have Kids Worn Out Their Welcome?

Is there anything more entertaining, or enlightening, than listening to kids tell you their view of the world?  This week I found out that, yes, there is—listening to kids discuss their opinions amongst themselves.  My husband’s brother and our little 5 yo nephew came to visit last week and the conversations that my 4 yo had with his cousin were better than any self-help book.  I have found that God teaches me so much through my kids.  Maybe it is because the Father/child relationship that we have with Him is mirrored by our parent/child relationship with them.

A few months ago I had a revelation in the way I see my place in the world.  My 7 yo, Aiden, came home crying because he had been working a lemonade stand with his friends across the street.  They made $15, but only paid him 1 cent.  He was so angry and hurt.  In an effort to calm him down, I started telling him what they did was wrong, but it didn’t matter.  He doesn’t need their money.  I asked him, “Don’t I give you everything you need?  What do you need their money for?”  Instantly I heard God echoing those sentiments right back to me.  This was revolutionary for me.  So often I feel like I have to make everyone be fair and do the right thing for life to work out the way it should.  But I suddenly realized that this is not so.  Other people’s actions and choices are inconsequential to God’s plan for my life.  Sometimes he uses them to fulfill his plan, but he will never allow them to change it.

I know that it sounds oh so simple.  And it is.  But it has really helped the stress level in my life.  I no longer worry about getting paid back on loans.  Or being cut off in traffic.  Or being socially slighted.  In short, it has eliminated a lot of pettiness in my life.  People are going to do what they do.  I know that if I am right with Him that things will work out.  I may not get everything I want, or have everything go my way.  But I will be well taken care of.  Just like Aiden knows that as long as I am around, that he will be well taken care of—regardless of stingy friends.

Mommy Life Lessons: Letting Go of Control

A few weeks ago one of the IP girls (the one whose always sending emails about such things) stumbled across this great website, WeAreThatFamily.com, written by a witty, Christian mama of 3.  I really enjoyed sifting through her archives, which have some super crafty ideas by the way.  So when I found out that she hosts blog stream called Works For Me Wednesday I decided to jump right in.  After All, if there is one thing that I have learned in my parenting journey its that it doesn’t have to be pretty, it just has to work.  And finding something that DOES work can really make your day/week/month.

This week’s theme is about what DOESN’T work for me.  And people, I have got this one covered.  There have been many a trial and error situations over here at the Owens’ household.  Sometimes I learn my lesson, sometimes I don’t.  One of the most recent lessons I have learned is about getting my kids to do what they are told.  Has this ever happen to you?

“Billy, pick up your toys.  Billy, did you pick up your toys?”  Billy stares at the TV.  “I told you to pick up your toys.”  Billy half-heartedly tosses 1 of 1000 Legos on the floor into a bin while his eyes are still glued to the TV.  “Pick up these toys or you are grounded.  Pick up those toys!!!  That’s it get in your room!”  Followed by crying and pleading, and you picking up the toys.

This happened a lot in our neck of the woods and there was so much about it that bothered me.  First off, I hate repeating things over and over and OVER again.  Secondly, I don’t like threatening punishment (like grounding) because then I have to follow through with it which always seems to be more exasperating for me than it is for them.  But most of all I loathe having to clean up toys over and over and OVER again.  It is something that they can do for themselves and cleaning up teaches them not to take out 100 things at once.

Needless to say, this scenario wasn’t working for me.  The solution came to me quite simply and kind of made me smack forehead with a simultaneous duh.  I was reading an article about follow through and how you can’t just throw out commands without following up on them.  Now this piece wasn’t even about parenting, but it sure made my mommy light bulb blink on.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  I was being just as lazy as they were sitting at the kitchen table, “Pick up your toys, take a bath,…. go make dinner”.  I was just rattling off a to-do list that I didn’t want to be bothered with.  And when they didn’t do it, I punished them for not listening.  But who could blame them?  I hadn’t taught them to follow my instructions.  The enlightening article suggested to ask someone to do something and to also oversee the process.  I took two important insights from this.  The first was to ask rather than bark.  It is human nature to shut your ears when commands are being shouted at you.  I have found that my boys are always more eager to help when I start my sentence with Can you…  My second insight was to be present during my parenting, rather than yelling from across the house.  To get off of my butt, walk over to the family room, pause the TV and stand there until the toys are put away.  This sequence works wonders.  They clean with little to no complaints, there is no screaming and the toys get put away—by them.

In the end it has taught us each a little self discipline.  And it has taught my boys to mind their mama because they know I am going to make sure they do.

(Doesn’t) Works For Me Wednesday

I am all about having a happy marriage.  My parents got divorced when I was really young and though they continued to get along and actually still had a friendship, it was hard for me and my sister.  So, I made a vow to myself that the man I married would be “the one”.  And I did mean one.  Movie Star is incredible.  I know his sisters are probably laughing at that right now, but it’s totally true.  Maybe I just see a side of him that no one else gets to see.  If you are married, you probably know what I’m talking about.  It’s like he saves certain things about himself or certain thoughts or feelings only for me.  Okay, I didn’t mean for this to turn into a mush-fest over my man, but it has got me thinking about other couples I know.  I wonder, do they have what I have?  Or was “the knot” tied a little less than tight?  Don’t get me wrong, Movie Star and I have our ups and downs.  I’ve been relatively bitchy lately, overly preoccupied with this computer (which drives him up a wall) and had some issues with my side of the family that usually get us arguing.  Financially and career-wise things have not been good for sometime and we all know how that can drag any marriage through the ringer.  Regardless, I am blessed with him. I attribute it completely to our mutual and ever-growing faith in our Lord Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit living in us and the Father who is ever-present, never changing and always working everything in our lives for good.  Without that common faith, we -individually and maritally- would be through. So, as I’ve been thinking about those who I know do not have a mutual faith relationship with their spouse (and I know plenty), I can not help but wonder how to encourage, how to help them stay the course when they feel like giving up.

Strangely enough as I have been reading through my Bible (I started a “Read Through the Bible in a Year” program 1 1/2 years ago….) I have been encountering far too many discussions from Paul in the New Testament on the subject of marriage.  Now I must confess I do have a Couple’s Devotional Bible, so I get little tidbits every few pages that further comment on what the Bible is saying.  I realized that there are some insights I wanted to share with any of you who married the man of your dreams only to wake up to someone you can’t even communicate with. And of course this can happen to any marriage, regardless if there are any faith differences.  So, if you are not having that specific problem, don’t click to another page!  Stick with me, this stuff crosses more boundaries than just this.

If you are a follower of Jesus Christ and find yourself married to a non-believer who can’t seem to understand you and your way of living, causing stress and strain on your marriage and life, don’t throw in the towel (though you may be seriously considering it).  Divorce is far too rampant in today’s society because most people haven’t learned, over the generations, to fight for something even though it’s harder than you think you can bear.  Yes, God wants all His believers to marry (be yoked with) others of faith in order to build a family of faith that will strengthen each other and spread the gospel.  However, sometimes we take our own way.  That’s called free-will.  God gave that to you because he loved you. He didn’t want to force you into anything (remember this…) You get to make your own choice and then you have to live with it.  I’m sure you love this person and the kids you have with them (if you are a parent) and therefore wouldn’t want to change those choices.  But you just wish the guy (or gal) would catch on to Jesus already!  Not only do you want to share with them the gloriousness of faith but it also makes parenting and decision making soooooo much easier.

If this sounds like you, I’m sure you’ve tried to “help” them change.  You’ve had dozens of discussions (or arguments), tried to encourage them to go to church with you or placed scriptures and a bible next to their side of the bed just hoping one day they’ll say ” well, why not!” But it hasn’t worked.  When reading through 1 Corinthians 7, I found one of my tidbits from Pastor and Writer Jay Kesler.  He reminds us that Paul is saying “Be faithful to Christ. Carry out your marital responsibilities in the best way you know how, and somehow the faithfulness of your life will speak to (your spouse) in the long run”.

The Long Run? I don’t want it in The Long Run.  I want it in the Quick Sprint.  My family needs change now, not many years from now.

Trust me, I know how you feel. There are many things in life that we want right now.  Especially from God.  We know He can do anything at any time, so why must it take the long way?  I have to tell you, I do not know.  That’s (to me) one of the mysteries of God. His timing.  I love and I hate it.

So then, one would assume it’s all about patience and perseverance, eh? I know, I hate those words too.  But Galations 5:22-23 tells us that they are fruits of the Holy Spirit. And don’t you want to posses fruits of the Spirit? Yes please!  Kesler also feels that “significant character change (seems not to be) possible without pain.  And perhaps it’s not possible for us to help another person grow without pain either”. Oooooo, heavy.  I dont mind enduring pain when I’m the one who needs to change, but when I have to suffer because of someone else, now that’s just down-right cruel. However when I think about this in terms of just being myself (a faith-filled, right-doing, non-judgmental woman in Christ) it doesn’t seem so hard.  Wouldn’t you rather have your spouse decide on their own to join you in services or pick up the bible instead of being forced or guilted into it?  Isn’t the whole point for this person to actually change for the better so that your love can grow strong and your children raised right?

This reminds me of the true-story film The Prize-Winner of Defiance, Ohio (I know Claire….. Movie Star watches it too much) where the Mother consistently lives her life, raising 12 children and a drunken husband, with a smile on her face and a positive outlook on every situation.  Now, that may seem impossible to live up to, but she was trying to get her attitude to rub off on her family in order to make life better for all (including herself).  And as Kelly, the drunken husband who’s depressed in the kitchen, said:

“You know what your problem is, Mother?”

“No Dad, I don’t.” (Mother says as she’s smiling and swaying to a commercial jingle)

“You’re too damn Happy.”

All the kids in the living room laugh with their Mother as she finishes with “Oh Kelly, how do you come up with this stuff?” You see, even he recognized her attitude and though he didn’t share her sentiment, at least he saw it.  I won’t give away the ending, but eventually, he made it up to her ….. in the end.

So, if life seems unbearable because of your marriages faith differences, just listen to the Lord: “If a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she should not divorce him.  For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife through her believing husband. (1 Cor. 7: 13-14) How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? (1 Cor. 7: 16)”  He is telling us that by believing we have sanctified our spouse.  Now if they are sanctified, I’m sure the Lord will be pressing into them as often as possible. But He also says that we can not save them.  Only He can do that.  Simply put your faith in Him in this matter, courageously gather up all the patience you can muster and always do what is right in the eyes of the Lord, before your spouse.  In the long run ….. the Lord will save.

Got a Marriage with Faith Differences?

The List: My Requirements In A Husband

It is a blessing to be surrounded by nice things, but an even greater blessing to be surrounded by nice people.

Pretty Thought of The Day

Valentine’s Day is a funny time in my marriage. When my hubby and I first met we put off our first date for a few days after V-Day, as to not put too much pressure on it. Now that we are married, we find ourselves tempted to celebrate our love a few days later to avoid the crowds. So there are many years that I wake up on Feb 14 with no expectations. I don’t really mind. With 3 young’uns, I don’t have time to wait 2 hours for a table at a mediocre restaurant. {Although, I am starting to think that having our first date on 2/16 was a cleverly devised plan hatched by my hubby to get out of having to deal with the cupid craze.}

Yesterday, our friendly neighborhood UPS guy presented me with some very decadent chocolates {from the hubby}. They were exponentially sweeter than your average box of chocolate for a few reasons. First off, it was a box of 50-yes 50! handcrafted pieces. Second, it was a from a place that I had tried casually and LOVED-but I didn’t think hubby knew about. And third, it was predominantly truffles.

This made me swoon because I recently wrote a post about V-Day chocolates. In it I said that this was one of the only days I could indulge in chocolate with abandon, so he got me A LOT. I also listed the place he bought them from, Mignon Chocolates, as a fave of mine. And I love that he knows that I am crazy about truffles, since it is not a common topic of conversation between us. Most of our convos start off with ‘So guess what {fill in son’s name here} did today.’

In addition to giving him insight into my soul, it appears that this blog has made him want to try a little harder. Because this first two things he asked me was ‘Did you take pictures’ and ‘Are you going to write about it?’ I did take pics, after I snuck a few pieces. And of course I’m going to write about it. Not only because I was completely swept off my feet by this simple gesture, but also because I didn’t have much else going on this week–save a few monster 4 year old tantrums.

So to my dear Alpha, who brought a new kind of happiness into my life 10 years ago–thank you for keeping it up everyday since then. Thank you for giving me three little boys who make my world go ’round. And, thanks for the chocolates, they really are amazing!

An Ode To My Observant Husband

Every V-Day, Movie Star gives me flowers and a card. Pretty standard for today, but this morning was a little different. Those roses there are from the climbing rose bushes outside our apartment building. Okay, you say. So what? Well, I’m telling you! Climbing roses are my absolute favorite and every time the Spring comes around, I get so excited to watch them reach their full bloom.

Over the past few weeks, as they have begun this transformation, I have oo’d and aw’d over the loveliness I see from my kitchen window. So waking up to a few of them lying on the dining room table said so much to me:

“I pay attention to the words you speak.”

“I know you love pretty things, and desire to bring those things to you.”

“I’d rather give you flowers that have meaning, than spend money on one’s that don’t.”

“Because I took my time to choose and pluck each little rose, my time is not more valuable than your smile.”

And then there’s the card. Most greeting cards these days are cheesy or full of prewritten poetry. Though you can find cards which express how you’re feeling, sometimes it comes across impersonal. In fact, I couldn’t even find one for Movie Star this year! I had to take a blank card and make it my own. Anyway, in Movie Star’s card it was the few simple words I saw in his terrible handwriting that struck my heart: “All I can guarantee is that I love you and you will always be happy no matter where we are and no matter what we are doing.” He and I have been through a big hot mess the last two years and we simply can’t see a way out. By him telling me this, he is saying that he will do anything and everything he can to make sure I’m happy every day.

But don’t get the wrong idea about this guy. When he gets mushy he gets uncomfortable too, so he has to add something funny to it. After I told him about the Vintage Valentine’s Cards I was going to write about we laughed hysterically at one of them (the very last one). So at the bottom of the card he wrote:

“P.S. Fork over your heart…..” I laughed until I cried. Then I gave him a big kiss.

What a man……

When a Man Loves a Woman

Valentine’s Day takes on a whole different meaning when you’re a mommy (I define mommy as having kids under the age of 5, after that you just become ‘Mom’).  You rarely get to go out to dinner or the movies, or make grand romantic gestures.  And you find the card that professes your undying love to your spouse looking like this if you leave it out in the open.

But as hard as it to let go of those blissful V-days of the past, a Mommy Valentine’s Day comes with its own rewards.

You get to make silly valentines and treat bags that no childless adult could get away with.

Here’s the ones we did this year

You get to go to preschool ice cream socials.

You get to play with temporary tattoos (something terminally uncool after the age of 15 sans kids)

And you get to listen to them squeal with delight when they wake up to big red hearts full of chocolate…and clean up the subsequent mess.

As you re-word Usher songs to sound better.  Let me wipe you dowwwn, there’s so much choc-o-late on you…

So although I miss the quiet nights and the candlelit dinners, I suppose they can wait until I graduate to the older-kid Mom status.  I know that I will have a super sweet guy still waiting to sweep me off my feet.

Valentine’s Day As A Mommy

1.) Personalized M&M’s
This isn’t a new idea, but that doesn’t make it any less cool. Write a message to your significant other or just put their pretty little face on it. They won’t forget this gift anytime soon, and will probably want to keep a few for the rest of year. You can find them on Mymms.com.

2.) World’s Largest Gummy Bear
Weighing in at 4.5 LB, this chewy candy will back childhood memories, and the size will make it something an adult can appreciate. For the boyfriend/girlfriend expecting chocolates, this is sure to surprise them and bring a smile. You can find them on Amazon as well as gourmet candy shops near you.

3.) Lovopoly
This is a cool twist on Monopoly which is designed to set the mood for couples. It can also be personalized by adding your own pictures and choosing the names of the properties. If you don’t want something detailed, there is a standard setup that all couples can enjoy. You can find it on Lovopoly.com and numerous other websites.

4.) Love Pillowcases
These adorable things also bring back simple and childlike love. Hopefully this charm will rub off on you and your husband/wife each time you climb into bed, especially on Valentine’s Day. They can be found in several different designs on several sites including Amazon.

5.) Photo Rubix Cube
For some entertainment that will last, this is a fun gift for guys or girls. As you can tell by the name, it is a customizable toy where the cubes are your picture rather than colors. There are some that are digital as well that can display up to 10 pictures. This is perfect for your nerdy spouse that thinks they’re much smarter ;-) and is sweet and sentimental at the same time. You can find it on Kleargear.com as well as several others.

6.) Fake Roses
I know this sounds odd, but there is a reason behind it. There’s a great line that can only be said with fake flowers. It may be corny, but if you’re sentimental, it is sweet. The line is simply ‘I will love until the last petal falls off’. Not too shabby, eh? This is a very simple gift and as people are scrambling to find roses under $70 on Valentine’s Day, you can wander into a craft store or buy more high-end silk flowers on Alforal.com or Overstock.com.

7.) American Gothic Painting by Grant Wood Recreation
For those with a sense of humor, this a the perfect silly gift. Solidify your relationship by immortalizing it in the work of art that is the epitome of bland. If you want to make your boyfriend, laugh, you have found one of the most unique ways to. You can find it on Findgift.com.

8.) Create Your Own Chocolate
I love this website dearly. At Createmychocolate.com you can build chocolate bars your way, or should I say your Valentine’s way. You can choose your chocolate type, confections, spices, contents and decorations. Ingredients range from rose petals, Cinnamon Toast Crunch and bacon to gummy bears, mint leaves and gold flakes. It’s truly the best source for chocolate. Tell your loved special someone that you got them chocolate and then surprise them with this amazing treat.

It’s the last major shopping day on the internet before Valentine’s Day, so buy quick and good luck! If you buy one of these gifts, I hope it makes you look as if you put some considerable thought into it.

8 Unique Last Minute Valentines Day Gifts on the Web

I get this question a lot, and it being Valentine’s Day time, it makes me think of it more often than usual. First off, it’s only fair for me to let you know a little bit about me. I’m a 22 year-old college student in LA that works on a few websites. I’m a pretty normal girl, so I guess that’s why people puzzle over why I’m not with a guy. I always find this weird, because I think the answer is obvious. Being single is not a bad choice. Isn’t it evident that when a (normal) person isn’t in a relationship that it’s because they are not in love? Love is the only reason to be in a relationship, so if I’m not in love, why should I be trying to get into one? And obviously, it’s never a good idea to go around trying to get with someone, because that’s not the way it works. You’ll probably only trick yourself into thinking you feel something because you’re looking for it so badly and possibly ruin your life for a few years even worse, maybe permanently.

So Why Are You Single?